I don’t know if you know this, but I’m a big fan of heavy metal music. It’s not the only music I love, but it’s the music I love the most.
In fact, shortly after Trump was elected, I turned to metal and didn’t turn away from it. I mean, do I get a little choked up if I hear Wilson Phillips’ “Hold On” in the grocery store? Sure. But metal is my favorite. It’s honestly the only music that has made sense in the last six years. Does it help that I’m an ungodly lesbian? Sure. Metal is music made to speak to me – no doubt the hours I spend listening to metal are awash with satanic messages filtering through my subconscious that manifest in me being even more gay.
So when I saw that internet preacher Mike Spaulding had written an article titled “Democrat [sic] Party is a satanic affiliate 100% owned by Luciferian globalists,” I perked up because I thought I was getting some new metal recommendations. I’m always interested in hearing new things! Except for hate speech. Alas, that’s essentially what it turned out to be.
Spaulding is upset about all the usual things like marriage equality, abortion, helping the poor, and treating immigrants and asylum seekers like humans. The country is going to hell and it is entirely the fault of the party that DID NOT support an insurrection against the government.
Of course man.
Honestly? I have no patience for this. I prefer to listen to metal. So, instead of reading all of his stupid words, I decided to comb through his essay title for hidden metallic messages.
I couldn’t find a metal band named after the Democrat Party, but I did find a punk/thrash band from Singapore called Opposition Party. Of course, when it comes to metal and partying in the United States, nobody holds the candle to Andrew WK His latest album, “God Is Partying”, is on my list of the best records of 2021, thanks for have asked for it. Andrew WK has released many party songs throughout his career: ‘It’s Time To Party’, ‘Party Hard’, ‘Party Til You Puke’, ‘Long Live the Party’, ‘The Power of Partying’, ‘Party Mindset “, “The Party Never Dies”, “We Party (You Shout)”, “Big Party” and “The Party God”.
I couldn’t find a band called Wholly, but there’s a band called “Swallowed Whole” from Seattle that plays the kind of black death metal you could crank up loud on Halloween if you want the kids to be too scared to come at your house . There’s also the song “Wholly Night” by Virginie’s death metal band Arsis, which, according to Encyclopaedia Metallum, “should not be confused with the Christian rock band of the same name from Alaska.” Note!
“Owned By the Ocean” is a song by Boston’s The Blackest Deep, a progressive metal band with a nautical fixation and a mix of harsh and clean vocals. Not bad! I will definitely listen to the whole album.
I found a LOT of metal bands with “Satanic” in their names (shocking, I know), but I was drawn to a band called “Clouds Taste Satanic”, because it’s a weird name. It’s an instrumental doom band from New York. And on their latest release, they cover Elton John’s “Funeral for a Friend”! And it’s amazing. I’m now on Bandcamp! Thanks, Mike!
There is, indeed, a group called Luciferian. It’s a Colombian black metal band. Black metal isn’t my favorite, but they seem pretty good at what they do! From what I can tell, they have no affiliation with Democrats. They do, however, have a self-titled album which was released in 2021 with a song called “Luciferian”. It is therefore “Luciferian” by Luciferian of “Luciferian”. Like the Iron Maiden song “Iron Maiden” from their album “Iron Maiden”. Fun!
From what I could find, there is no metal band called “Globalists”, but there is a band from Washington State called “Global Warning” and their latest song, released in 2018, is called “Apocalyptic”. Feels prescient. If only we had had their warning earlier…
Even if you don’t like metal, I hope this column has helped you forget the incredibly shitty times we live in and the ongoing assault on American democracy by gaslighters like Spaulding. For the love of God and metal, vote for the Democrats. They’re not perfect, but they don’t hate you. And it’s a message worth throwing out until 11.
D’Anne Witkowski is a writer living in Michigan with his wife and son. She has been writing on LGBTQ+ politics for nearly two decades. Follow her on Twitter @MamaDWitkowski.